I don’t know what hour or day it is anymore. I can hardly remember what year it is, or what part of the city I’m in or whose apartment I’m even at. How long have I been out of it? Pills of all colors of the rainbow have been passing back and forth like Halloween candy. My heart is a thousand light years lunar time and my head is spinning off its axis. Gravity pulls me into every direction. Time is fast and slow like the rhythm in my chest. I can see and feel every color move through me like water and oxygen. It’s pure poison but it’s beautiful and that scares me. Where the hell am I? Who are these people...
January 9th, 2014
I’ve managed to lose myself to this wild and wicked shit storm called heroin. I’m lucid for about three hours of the day and that’s about all I can take before I sacrifice my mind, my body, my soul to the gods. I want to feel numb. I want to experience life when I’m not alive. I want to be consumed to my very core. This is the best thing I’ve ever experienced, feeling so soft like I’m floating above reality and all the mundane things. Everything disappears. I wonder what it’ll take for me to get off this stuff.
Man, I look like shit. I think I’m deteriorating. I make the fucking gutter rats of new york look like sweet baby kittens. I don’t recognize myself in the mirror anymore, but maybe that’s a damn good thing.
My parents are coming to visit me. I’m totally and unavoidably fucked. I’m freaking out and I can’t stop shaking. They’ll find out everything I’ve been hiding from them. They’ll take me back to Florida and throw my ass in rehab. I’d rather die in new york than go back to that miserable town.
I couldn’t sleep, so I went wandering around the streets. How I managed to find my way back to the apartment is beyond me. Maybe I have the internal gps of a dog to navigate me back home, though I doubt it. I can’t stop thinking about my parents coming to visit me. They must know something’s up. I bet my fucking sister told them I wasn’t right. I hate her so much sometimes. I’m gonna have to pretend to be a god damn square just to get them off my back. I need to go find some make up, and maybe figure out a way I can steal a dress without getting caught.
I stole a dress today from H&M, it’s really cute and bright pink. I look like so wholesome and conservative, it makes me laugh so much. I look like the perfect girl to take home to your mom to, be sweet and charming and wonderful, and little does she know I've side swept her wallet. Yeah... definitely doesn’t look like I’m trying too hard to cover up my damn mistakes. Whatever. I’ll put on a performance for a couple days and pray they never come see me again.
It’s April fools day and guess where I am? Rehab in Florida. Guess the joke’s on me this year. I hate it here so much, and everyone in this place is a fucking idiot. I can’t believe I fucked up enough to get myself trapped in this prison.